Crew Neck
Longest Neck in the Airline
My Guardian Angel, Lynne, and I met as Flight Attendants on a three-day trip, laying over in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and Savannah, Georgia, for which Shasy and I had buddy bid together. I usually flew the Leadership, or Flight Attendant In Charge, also called FAIC, In Flight Service Coordinator, IFSC, A-Line, or A-Hole position. It was important to me that things were done safely and well, and it added a significant chunk to my paycheck. The usual procedure was to meet with your crew in a briefing room in the Flight Attendant lounge just after sign-in and hold a discussion about what would be expected throughout the trip. Crew members who hadn’t met before would introduce themselves there, and sometimes brief biographical information was shared.
Like the time our crew was all introducing ourselves, i.e., “I’m Lynne,” “I’m Lori,” “I’m Joe,” “I’m Andrea, but I go by Princess.”
Silence.
“It’s a nickname my boyfriend gave me.”
‘Oh, for Pete’s sake.’ “Nice to meet you Princess.”
“Day-am, I wanted to be called Pree-in-ciss,” protested Lynne (who was born and raised in the deep south), while Andrea sat stone-faced.
The rest of the ‘Princess’ trip, you just couldn’t wait to get new Pilots, because you so enjoyed their reaction when they would hear “I’m Princess.”
“Come again?”
“You can call me Princess.”
“Okay…Princess.“
Shasy and I saw Lynne’s name on the sign-in sheet, but didn’t know her, and didn’t find her in the assigned briefing room. When we arrived at our departure gate, there sat Lynne. We conducted our trip briefing there, where I explained in detail what we would be doing each leg of the trip, while I held and referenced the pre-departure report (a print out given to you by the Gate Agent that includes information such as passenger names and counts).
It was always intriguing to me that whenever the Pilots communicated with the control tower about passenger loads, they referred to the numbers as “souls on board.” So, if there were 100 passengers, 3 Flight Attendants, and 2 Pilots on the plane, the Pilots would report to the tower that we had “105 souls on board.” There was something comforting about that to me.
Anyway, Lynne didn’t ask a single question or change her facial expression throughout the briefing, so I thought “Okay, she’s on top of this.” When I finished speaking, she took the report out of my hand and said “Now, whu-at?” As if I had been communicating in some little known Slavic tongue. I loved her, still do. Lynne is such a magnificent spirit, one could not help becoming a better person in her presence.
Lynne was the Flight Attendant yin to my yang. One of the most vital traits a Flight Attendant could possess was punctuality, and Lynne couldn’t wear a watch because as soon as she would put one on, it would quit working. Therefore well into triple digits per trip, she would grab your arm and twist your wrist around to see the time on your watch. She had some odd electro-magnetic field around her, and was always breaking small electronic devices, simply by utilizing them for their intended purpose. I don’t know how many remote controls I witnessed stop working simply because she picked them up to turn on the television. Before Lynne accompanied me to visit my close friend of many years, James, in Seattle, I warned him about protecting his gadgets. He had just bought a new television set to which he was quite attached. Just hours after we arrived at his house, he foolishly asked Lynne to start a movie we had rented. My eyes widened, and he flew at her across the room shrieking “What was I thinking?!” as he jerked his remote from her mysterious talons.
Lynne also never wore a winter coat. She reasoned “Way-ell, I lost my first one, I’d just lose my new one too.” Therefore, you would frequently find yourself walking down the streets of Calgary or Philadelphia in mid-January bundled from head to toe, while Lynne hiked through slush and snow banks in only her Doc Martens, ripped jeans, and Ramones t-shirt. In addition, Lynne had the most robust bare feet of anyone I had ever seen in a developed country. In the summer, she would walk barefoot across gravel, scalding hot asphalt, a thicket of briars-you name it-didn’t faze her. What a strange and wonderful creature.
One might be interested to know that Lynne possessed the longest neck of anyone employed by our airline. We didn’t actually collect all the data and run the statistics, but anecdotally, it was a safe bet. One evening on a long flight into Ft. Lauderdale-with really light loads-Shasy, Lynne, and I decided to take the dot matrix departure report (with holes running along the sides for measuring), and calculate the length of each of our necks. Lynne is six feet tall and of course we thought she would win. What we weren’t prepared for was her margin of victory. If memory serves, her neck was over two inches longer than Shasy’s or mine. To ensure we had a representative cross-section for our study, we knocked on the cockpit door and asked if we could measure the Pilots’ necks…(one second pause, two seconds pause) “Sure…” they responded. These men were both above average height, but our Lynne still out necked them. We all conferred and decided that we could confidently assert that Lynne held the title of “Longest Neck in the Airline.” After the flight, we were all collecting our luggage to change planes, and while I was facing aft (toward the tail), Lynne faced forward as she waited for me to pull down my bag. The Pilots stuck their heads around the corner, out of ear-shot, to wave good-bye. All I could see was Lynne stroking her throat proudly mouthing the words “Longest Nay-eck in the Airline.”
I turned to wave to the Pilots and saw the Co-Pilot making the same motion at his neck, then pointing deferentially to Lynne confirming “Longest Neck in the Airline.” It is impressive when you really think about it.
After knowing Lynne for a while, I told her about how my Aunt had called me “Miss Lo,” instead of “Lori” my entire life. That same Aunt’s Husband, my Uncle, had called me “Alligator” consistently after three year old me said to him “See you later alligator,” one day as I was leaving his house. It was great fun, and the last time I saw him alive, I was 22, and stood at his hospital bed as he opened his eyes and warmly greeted me “Hi there, Alligator.” Lynne was completely amused by this information, and rarely has called me “Lori” since. It is always “Ms. Lo.” In turn, I call her “Ms. Ly,” (pronounced Ms. Lee). The inset photo is of Ms. Ly on the left (see her neck?), and me, Ms. Lo on the right, when Lynne recently visited my home in Michigan.
*It is pertinent to note that I resigned my position with the airline well before the cataclysimc events of September 11, 2001. The airline industry is now forever changed, and many of the events which my contemporaries and I experienced would not transpire in the current climate.
Lori Culpepper Dinsmore
About the Author
There is a psychiatric/psychological diagnosis called “Folie a Plusieurs,” which is a French phrase literally meaning “Madness has Several.” This disorder was first discovered by French Mental Health Professionals, thus the French name. The illness may occur when people are so enmeshed with each other they actually adopt the psychosis or psychoses of their companions.
The imagery which the phrase~Madness has Several~evokes, for me, is simply enchanting.
This is my portal into my own folie and joy. I am a former Flight Attendant for a major U.S. airline, where I traversed the globe for eight years. Then became a Psychiatric Researcher at a State Psychiatric Hospital, where I, along with a team of colleagues, was a published author concerning such hot topics as “Total Cotinine in Plasma: A Stable Biomarker for Exposure to Tobacco Smoke”-have you read it? That one stayed a little below the non-scientific community’s radar. But, then came “Initiation of Daily Smoking and Nicotine Dependence in Schizophrenia and Mood Disorders.” After that one leapt off the presses, I was lucky to be able to make it through the grocery store without hordes of photographers and autograph seeking, chain-smoking, mentally ill persons osbtructing my path. Currently, I am a Stay Home, HomeSchooling Mother to a ten year old Human Boy, a four year old Bloodhound Boy, and a six year old Retired Racing Greyhound Boy, and in my free time-I write. My Husband (also a Boy), Jonathan, and I have been married for 15 years. They are my treasures.
Here is my lens for the epoch we share-past, present, and, God willing, future. These are my hopes, ruminations, and of course, delirious thoughts…but what always burns most vividly is the beautiful laughter.
Détenir sur étroite à la folie avec mon âme folle ma pretties.
Lori Culpepper Dinsmore
American Crew Neck Clean Up
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